I am at the bottom of the ditch. I can not go lower anymore. I just want to lie down, until the pain passes. The pain, it is not passing, I thought it would, but motherfucker just will not budge. It is like a sad sad song, you never want to hear it but it is always stuck in your stupid head. You try to hide it in a heavy trunk and lock it up, you throw away the keys. Somehow or bloody rather, the sad song just resurface and plays non stop in your bloody head, it is on repeat, and everytime you hear it again, the notes just get sadder and sadder until you cannot take the bleeding anymore, then it still does not stop. I guess you just have to slowly be used to the pain. I guess it will always be there, one way or another.
This self destruction has got to stop, people are telling me to pull myself up. To be better than before. I thank them, I really do, but this pit just seem so deep I don’t know if I can bloody climb out of it. Sometimes I think I can, most times I believe I cannot. There are bady days, then there are worse ones. The heart is in a million pieces. The pain knows no boundaries. I don’t even bloody know if I need alone time or I just need my friends. Either ways I try to smile, I try so fucking hard. It might not be a real smile, but at least it’s a start.
I thought I could win her back, I thought I could win this fight. I thought all my stories will end with a happy ending. I thought wrong, might be. I need to find myself, I got to, but I can’t, every turn I make, every swerve I take, I see her beautiful face and I miss her so bloody much I think that might be I should just die, might be that would feel better. I try to keep these bad thoughts from my head, I try not to hurt myself, I try but some days the feeling is so painful I can’t push these things out.
I am a wreck, I don’t want to be a wreck. At this very point I don’t even think its a want, she has become a bloody need. Might be romantics like me put too much thought into things and end up just wallowing. But one cannot help but do, its sort of a thing I feel I must do, its a thing I cannot not do. I walk around in circles and I just want to walk straight, I just wanna walk towards that happy place. I just wanna move, but deep down I wish she was walking beside me, holding my hand, smiling.
I don’t want to, but I miss you
N
