How low can a person feel? Pretty bloody low apparently. I wake up and I felt better and had hope for the world, the next thing you know you feel like a crumpled piece of paper again, used and unwanted, lying in the corner of a trash bin. I don’t know what is worse, feeling like shit or the realisation that no one can bloody help you and you have to fight this fight alone. It fucking pains me to know that I am surrounded by so many wonderful people but none of them can pull me up, none of them.
I sincerely hope you do not feel as I do. I act like a man of steel, I act like nothing is gonna bother me, but deep down, I’m cut up so badly and I just want to sleep forever. Wanting to sleep however is the worst part. You are all on your own, thoughts start flying everywhere, your mind starts giving you all the nonsense that you cannot handle and before you know it, you are a miserable heap of nothingness. I truly hope you are happy, I truly hope that leaving me will bring more colours to your life and more smiles to your face. I hope you become better for this even though I became worse for it. I hope, I can only hope. A selfish part of me don’t want all this, a selfish part of me still wants you beside me and I can never kick that away.
But I have to fight that.
There are many things that I still do not understand and probably never will. I wish I understood but I don’t.
I just want to feel happy
Sincerely.
N
