You know what I’m afraid of, i am afraid i cannot repair myself. i am afraid i cannot continue. i am afraid i will lose my swag. i am really really afraid. i fear so much it’s insane. my friends are brilliant everyone of them, them just being here is brilliant as fuck. i want to try to just chill the fuck out and be happy, but it is just so difficult. i was never one for commitment. i just thought there would not be a person i feel would be important enough for me to give up my heart for. it used to scare the shit out of me that i could be tied down and not free as i am. i value my freedom so fucking high, i always think that my freedom is what defines me as a person, i will never be a prude i told myself. now because she left, i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can’t think of anything else.
believe me, i tried, i went out with my friends, tried to laugh about things, tried to watch wrestling, tried reading football news like i always do and think about sports. i tried talking to my mother and tried to let her make me see the light. i tried talking to my sister and grandmother to lighten up my mood. i tried talking to sad people thinking it would make me look less sad and instead try to help them. i tried laughing at myself, to treat it light, to take it as a joke. i tried talking about my work, my passion, talking about advertising lights me up.
i cannot stand to be alone, my brain will start stirring the pot and before you know it, i transform once again to a miserable sod. i told myself, i should concentrate on work, on preparing to work once my army times are over. i told myself i have to work on being the best motherfucking writer ever, for me and for my loved ones. i desperately want to prove to everybody who cares that i am made of fucking steel, i want to show them nothing can impregnate me. i want to do works, i want to paint, i want to play basketball, i want to be funny, i want to eat food for a fucking start. i want to watch wrestling and not think about her laughing at me being childish and telling me wrestling is stupid. i want to take the bus and not feel horrible every time i go past somewhere that we have been together. i want to read more awesome books. i want to feel the calm.
i know that it was not a mistake, but sometimes i double back and i think, am i a horrible person? i hope the answer is no, but if it isn’t, i cant figure out my life right now. i dont want to think every thing i got is karma and as i linger here all bloody and bruised, the gods are laughing and thinking that this motherfucker deserved it. might be i have to, might be it will soothe me abit to know everything that is hurting me now is a result of some underground bad thing that i have done that i did not realise. might be i deserved it.
life really gets to you, i know people care for me, i know they dont want to see me like a heap of misery but i cant bloody help it. writing things like this down makes me feel slightly better because it feels like i am telling someone my most naked deepest feeling. but the confusion is still in me and i have to find away to throw it away. i sit here in my basement and the beatles are playing on repeat. john lennon and paul mccartney tells me to let it be, they say “when the broken hearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be” i do hope they are right. i mean i see friends and loved ones become broken and then standing up and feeling happy again and i see hope, but for now, it just hurts too bloody much. some of the people i love are angry with me, i know it is for my own good, i know im not treating myself properly, i know i have to be beautiful again, i need to, but its intensely difficult. it sickens me that i feel so crappy too but i guess now we only wait and hope things become for the better. what happens, god only bloody knows, at the end of the day we are just fucking clueless.
i know, this is not my best piece of writing in a long shot, i didn’t even take note on which words are supposed to be in capitol form. i just want to write, write like the wind, write all my pain out and hope i heal. i don’t know how to do much, but i know i how to write, i know how to paint nice pictures, i even question myself now whether i know how to take care of people or how to be sensitive, or how to bloody love. i need my best friends some are far some are near, that i cannot do anything about. i need my mother and i know she will always be there but sometimes she blocks out all her good parts and i cant do anything about that either. i need my father, he is my hero, my brother, my best friend and all that i bloody need, but he is dead and with the people in the sky now, i am helpless about that. i need my grandfather, he was always a rock , he was the man that told me everything will be fine and life is all planned for you and you just have to live it and not worry, but he joined my dad and all i hope for him is that heaven is as beautiful as everybody says and he paints many beautiful pictures there.
i know i am not not weak, now i just have to prove to myself, i’m in a fucking rut, one way or another, i have to get out and grow. it feels like i have to learn how to walk all over again but i have to believe it would be a piece of cake. maybe i need my confidence back, thats all. i miss her and i really hope she figures it out, thats about it. i will not be weak, i will become the most dependable motherfucker ever, i swear on this, and another thing i swear in the name of my dad and my grandfather is i will never be drunk ever again, i bet all of you are rolling your eyes and laughing, thinking,” HAHAHA that is just stupid, nicholas and drunk is almost the same bloody word” but i am very serious, this drinking problem only hinders me and stop me from caring for my loved ones and blurs me from important things like work.
it has been a sobering experience, lets just hope the ending is one that is beautiful. whatever the case, lets hope i find whatever i am looking for, sooner rather than later.
N
