I am mellow.
I am fucking mellow.
At time of writing, I am sitting on my sofa, I am smoking a cigarette and listening to Johnny Cash.
A few days back, a friend asked,” what if you lost faith?”
Then I guess my answer would be,”then you’re pretty much fucked my dear.”
Faith is a pretty curious thing, whether it be faith in religion, faith in humanity, faith in chance and luck. You always have faith. Faith in something, one point or another.
Currently I have faith that when I open my box of cigarettes later there will still be a stick left, that’s a good start I guess.
I wonder,
Is there a person who has no faith at all, that very person might just be the ultimate pessimist, and we all know pessimism is the devil, it slowly kills you, little by little. If you’re pessimistic enough, you would probably just die one day because you think everything is shite.
I always choose to be an optimist, I always choose to believe that there is hope somewhere in this shit of a world we live in. You walk long enough, you’ll probably see a pretty daffodil growing out of the weeds and that should restore some faith in your sad little heart, that should be enough to tell you that beautiful things exist in this world.
It should, but sometimes it doesn’t, and when you’re in that mood, that oh so dark suicidal mood, open your eyes, find something pretty, and be happy that it exists. Life is pretty shite to you, but we just have to keep moving, and have bloody faith that everything will get better.
So to all them people in the deep dark hole looking for that one light that you cannot see, let’s all just start believing, let’s all just have faith.
Shit might just work out.
Peace,
N
I am at the bottom of the ditch. I can not go lower anymore. I just want to lie down, until the pain passes. The pain, it is not passing, I thought it would, but motherfucker just will not budge. It is like a sad sad song, you never want to hear it but it is always stuck in your stupid head. You try to hide it in a heavy trunk and lock it up, you throw away the keys. Somehow or bloody rather, the sad song just resurface and plays non stop in your bloody head, it is on repeat, and everytime you hear it again, the notes just get sadder and sadder until you cannot take the bleeding anymore, then it still does not stop. I guess you just have to slowly be used to the pain. I guess it will always be there, one way or another.
This self destruction has got to stop, people are telling me to pull myself up. To be better than before. I thank them, I really do, but this pit just seem so deep I don’t know if I can bloody climb out of it. Sometimes I think I can, most times I believe I cannot. There are bady days, then there are worse ones. The heart is in a million pieces. The pain knows no boundaries. I don’t even bloody know if I need alone time or I just need my friends. Either ways I try to smile, I try so fucking hard. It might not be a real smile, but at least it’s a start.
I thought I could win her back, I thought I could win this fight. I thought all my stories will end with a happy ending. I thought wrong, might be. I need to find myself, I got to, but I can’t, every turn I make, every swerve I take, I see her beautiful face and I miss her so bloody much I think that might be I should just die, might be that would feel better. I try to keep these bad thoughts from my head, I try not to hurt myself, I try but some days the feeling is so painful I can’t push these things out.
I am a wreck, I don’t want to be a wreck. At this very point I don’t even think its a want, she has become a bloody need. Might be romantics like me put too much thought into things and end up just wallowing. But one cannot help but do, its sort of a thing I feel I must do, its a thing I cannot not do. I walk around in circles and I just want to walk straight, I just wanna walk towards that happy place. I just wanna move, but deep down I wish she was walking beside me, holding my hand, smiling.
I don’t want to, but I miss you
N
Hello everybody, I just felt like I have the inspiration to write now. This is the most memorable christmas of all christmases. It is the first christmas I have ever felt like this. I can’t exactly explain to you what “this” feeling is, I don’t even know it myself. This christmas is one of regrets, one I wish I did better to not let this present christmas occur.
I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit. I am grateful, I met Esther Hong, my best friend and a person that is so clever and so genuine and so brilliant. I talked to her about my predicament and I am so sorry to burden her holiday with my sad bullshit. She was that person I want to spill my heart and soul to. She knew the both of us the best, she was both of our best friends. I told her everything, I dug my heart and my soul to her. I smiled while doing it because I knew I had to, because I did not want her to feel shite for me.
I have so many regrets. So many bloody thank yous I did not manage to say, so many “I love you” I did not manage to put in. I sit here at home drinking more vodka and I regret so much that I did not cherish the girl of my dreams enough. I feel like shit, I feel worse than shit.
In my heart I wish you will come back, I probably know you will not come back, but I am a fool but I can wish. We are different, I attest to that. I don’t know what else to write but every single moment I think of you.
I see upper thomson and I see salted caramel where we were at, I see the bak chor mee stall where you scolded me for eating too much lard. I see the dim sum shop and I see the time we had a fabulous meal. I went to plaza singapura and I see gong cha and I remember the time you would not let me have bubble tea because it was unhealthy. I walk along city hall and I think about the day I just came back from taiwan and we walked there and you told me everything you thought about whilst I am in taiwan, I think about “damn” by avril lavigne and I think about our dinner at mad for garlic.
I looked at marina bay sands and I think about how we went to avalon and we had the best time. I went to the esplanade and I think about how you said you do not understand why I spend 50 dollars taking the cab just to play basketball.
I’m sorry if all this annoys you but I just miss you so much
N
How low can a person feel? Pretty bloody low apparently. I wake up and I felt better and had hope for the world, the next thing you know you feel like a crumpled piece of paper again, used and unwanted, lying in the corner of a trash bin. I don’t know what is worse, feeling like shit or the realisation that no one can bloody help you and you have to fight this fight alone. It fucking pains me to know that I am surrounded by so many wonderful people but none of them can pull me up, none of them.
I sincerely hope you do not feel as I do. I act like a man of steel, I act like nothing is gonna bother me, but deep down, I’m cut up so badly and I just want to sleep forever. Wanting to sleep however is the worst part. You are all on your own, thoughts start flying everywhere, your mind starts giving you all the nonsense that you cannot handle and before you know it, you are a miserable heap of nothingness. I truly hope you are happy, I truly hope that leaving me will bring more colours to your life and more smiles to your face. I hope you become better for this even though I became worse for it. I hope, I can only hope. A selfish part of me don’t want all this, a selfish part of me still wants you beside me and I can never kick that away.
But I have to fight that.
There are many things that I still do not understand and probably never will. I wish I understood but I don’t.
I just want to feel happy
Sincerely.
N
Ever since I was a little kid, I have been used to winning. When I was six I won a drawing competition organised by a community centre near my house. Throughout my studying years, I won numerous awards for debating, for a science competition, football tournaments when younger, basketball competitions. When I continued in to my polytechnic years, I won a load of advertising awards, a few design competitions and even a few in photography. My father had always drilled in the mentality of not losing, so much so that I never could grasp the idea of losing, it was never in my dictionary, everytime I lost something, I threw a tantrum, I went on a path of anger, I went into self denial. I blamed my team mates, I threw stuff around. This time though, I had no team mates, and I lost big time.
When hard times come, I always turn to my mother, she might be half insane, but the woman has many theories that make sense. Ever since I lost my father, my mother has always been here for me, good times and bad. My mother asked me why I could not stand losing and she told me that it has to change. This not losing nonsense I had in my head had turned me into a drunk. I have to always win, so I always drank faster than anybody else, I always drank more than anybody else. If you can drink 10 tequila shots, I would drink 15 and then laugh into your face. The repercussions though were me getting carried home by my friends, me sleeping at some dingy stairway. My mother sat me down and she said ” son, real winning is when you’re not bat shit drunk, when you do not let anyone who love you worry about you, when you are able to come home safely and take care of the people you love.”
I broke down and cried.
This is probably the first time I truthfully cried in front of my mother and showed her my true emotions. This is the first time she didn’t see me as the confident kid with the loud mouth. I am sorry mother but when you told me all this, so many regrets flew into my head. I want to take care of everybody I love, and I have failed to do so. Reality hit me in the head like a sharp stone, and I was bleeding like no tomorrow. This self imagined blood leaked into my eyes, everything I saw was red, its like crimson was the colour of regret. I regret getting drunk in that party, not being able to take care of her, I regret that for the past two years, I returned drunk so many times and made my loved ones so worried. I cried for the longest time. My grandfather once told me ,”real man never cry” but I thought to myself, what kind of real man was I if I have made so many that loved me worry. I am not dependable at all, not mature enough, and far from secure.
My mother told me I made people feel insecure, no one could see a future with me if I carry on like that. From that very moment, I decided, it is time to change.
I don’t know if this change will get me what I want, but I know that this change will definitely help me become a better person. I have to learn, I will learn, I got to learn to be a better man. I will be a better person. For now I can only wait, one week? One month? One year? A decade? I can only prove that I am better for this but this pit of misery is really eating into me. It has cracked me and I have to repair myself, it might take awhile but one thing I had going for me is patience.
I have to feel better, by hook or by crook. I just hope it is like how I see it in my head. This is all I know for now and the rest, only god knows, whichever religion or colour or shape of the god, I hope the big man reads all this and help me out abit.
N
Might be drinking a shit load of beer to book in is a bad idea but now I have a ton of stuff to write, might be this is how inspirations will appear, might be this will fix me. I’m still sticking to my not getting drunk forever swear, I just have to numb myself abit.
This few days have been the worse few amont my top ten twenty days, barring deaths of my loved ones, this is the worse probably. Not many things bother me, I usually ignore the noise and it will disappear whatever the fuck it is. These few days, ignorance does not work.
I’ve heard many advice from many people on how to fix my conundrum, some tell me to ignore the situation and just do things I like, some tell me to turn the sadness into anger and I won’t feel that bad. I cannot turn this sadness into anger. Maybe my mind tells me it’s a good idea but my heart rejects me. My heart will not allow this to happen. My brain, it wants to be angry at her it wants to think she is an asshole an all that jazz but the heart simply will not let it. Instead the heart is worried about her, the heart yearns to take care of her, the heart needs her. The heart is confused but amidst all the confusion, the heart is worried that she will start smoking and drinking like I did, and the heart is glum. The hearts yearn for her. The heart wants to care for her, the heart needs her to be golden. The heart knows, if she smiles regardless if it is because of me, that I will at least feel better. But the heart is confused, it is sad, so fucking sad. The heart is sad because it thinks that it will no longer be part of her happiness, that she will not need it anymore. The heart lights up a cigarette and puffs like hell because he is at a loss. the heart cannot eat or sleep because it is devastated. The heart then suddenly breaks, a hundred, a thousand, might be a million pieces.
This is the story of the heart
This heart can only pray that everything falls into place and fix itself.
That is all.
N
You know what I’m afraid of, i am afraid i cannot repair myself. i am afraid i cannot continue. i am afraid i will lose my swag. i am really really afraid. i fear so much it’s insane. my friends are brilliant everyone of them, them just being here is brilliant as fuck. i want to try to just chill the fuck out and be happy, but it is just so difficult. i was never one for commitment. i just thought there would not be a person i feel would be important enough for me to give up my heart for. it used to scare the shit out of me that i could be tied down and not free as i am. i value my freedom so fucking high, i always think that my freedom is what defines me as a person, i will never be a prude i told myself. now because she left, i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can’t think of anything else.
believe me, i tried, i went out with my friends, tried to laugh about things, tried to watch wrestling, tried reading football news like i always do and think about sports. i tried talking to my mother and tried to let her make me see the light. i tried talking to my sister and grandmother to lighten up my mood. i tried talking to sad people thinking it would make me look less sad and instead try to help them. i tried laughing at myself, to treat it light, to take it as a joke. i tried talking about my work, my passion, talking about advertising lights me up.
i cannot stand to be alone, my brain will start stirring the pot and before you know it, i transform once again to a miserable sod. i told myself, i should concentrate on work, on preparing to work once my army times are over. i told myself i have to work on being the best motherfucking writer ever, for me and for my loved ones. i desperately want to prove to everybody who cares that i am made of fucking steel, i want to show them nothing can impregnate me. i want to do works, i want to paint, i want to play basketball, i want to be funny, i want to eat food for a fucking start. i want to watch wrestling and not think about her laughing at me being childish and telling me wrestling is stupid. i want to take the bus and not feel horrible every time i go past somewhere that we have been together. i want to read more awesome books. i want to feel the calm.
i know that it was not a mistake, but sometimes i double back and i think, am i a horrible person? i hope the answer is no, but if it isn’t, i cant figure out my life right now. i dont want to think every thing i got is karma and as i linger here all bloody and bruised, the gods are laughing and thinking that this motherfucker deserved it. might be i have to, might be it will soothe me abit to know everything that is hurting me now is a result of some underground bad thing that i have done that i did not realise. might be i deserved it.
life really gets to you, i know people care for me, i know they dont want to see me like a heap of misery but i cant bloody help it. writing things like this down makes me feel slightly better because it feels like i am telling someone my most naked deepest feeling. but the confusion is still in me and i have to find away to throw it away. i sit here in my basement and the beatles are playing on repeat. john lennon and paul mccartney tells me to let it be, they say “when the broken hearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be” i do hope they are right. i mean i see friends and loved ones become broken and then standing up and feeling happy again and i see hope, but for now, it just hurts too bloody much. some of the people i love are angry with me, i know it is for my own good, i know im not treating myself properly, i know i have to be beautiful again, i need to, but its intensely difficult. it sickens me that i feel so crappy too but i guess now we only wait and hope things become for the better. what happens, god only bloody knows, at the end of the day we are just fucking clueless.
i know, this is not my best piece of writing in a long shot, i didn’t even take note on which words are supposed to be in capitol form. i just want to write, write like the wind, write all my pain out and hope i heal. i don’t know how to do much, but i know i how to write, i know how to paint nice pictures, i even question myself now whether i know how to take care of people or how to be sensitive, or how to bloody love. i need my best friends some are far some are near, that i cannot do anything about. i need my mother and i know she will always be there but sometimes she blocks out all her good parts and i cant do anything about that either. i need my father, he is my hero, my brother, my best friend and all that i bloody need, but he is dead and with the people in the sky now, i am helpless about that. i need my grandfather, he was always a rock , he was the man that told me everything will be fine and life is all planned for you and you just have to live it and not worry, but he joined my dad and all i hope for him is that heaven is as beautiful as everybody says and he paints many beautiful pictures there.
i know i am not not weak, now i just have to prove to myself, i’m in a fucking rut, one way or another, i have to get out and grow. it feels like i have to learn how to walk all over again but i have to believe it would be a piece of cake. maybe i need my confidence back, thats all. i miss her and i really hope she figures it out, thats about it. i will not be weak, i will become the most dependable motherfucker ever, i swear on this, and another thing i swear in the name of my dad and my grandfather is i will never be drunk ever again, i bet all of you are rolling your eyes and laughing, thinking,” HAHAHA that is just stupid, nicholas and drunk is almost the same bloody word” but i am very serious, this drinking problem only hinders me and stop me from caring for my loved ones and blurs me from important things like work.
it has been a sobering experience, lets just hope the ending is one that is beautiful. whatever the case, lets hope i find whatever i am looking for, sooner rather than later.
N
I have always been a confident person. I always believed I could conquer anything I set out to acheive. I always thought the world is beautiful and if we just go with the flow, try our best not to worry and enjoy our lives, everything will be beautiful. I always thought all that matters in love is just two people enjoying themselves, having the time of their lives and ignoring the darkness of the world. I always thought everything will be great. I always thought you might be the one. I always thought we could overcome anything in our way. i thought I convinced you.
might be I was wrong.
might be I was blinded
might be i couldn’t see
might be all that is needed is time
but I still want to believe
I miss you
I am definitely not a happy camper. Yesterday whilst I was helping out them design kids with a brief for SMRT’s be gracious campaign, I started thinking. Being gracious is bloody second nature to us, it is inbuilt into every single motherfucker out there.
Whether you apply this instinct, that is a whole other question.
Personally, I would have no bloody qualms on giving up my seat to a pregnant lady or an old man. It makes me feel good that I helped, I am also sure that somewhere up there someone in charge is probably taking score, more good karma will never hurt your chances of going to that place called “heaven” .
I am betting that everybody reads this and they are all like, yeah mate, that totally makes bloody sense, I agree, would give up my seat in a heartbeat, but then there are the pariahs.
I honestly believe that goodness and beauty are born in every bugger out there however ugly or inbred them motherfuckers are, but I guess for some, the goodness are lost, amidst all the evils of the world.
I pity them, I do.
But who am I to be all great philosopher like. At the end of the day, we are all just humans chasing a better life. I just say what I want and do what I can to try to make everything more beautiful.
Until next time my homies,
Digress,
N
Thank you for teaching me how to play basketball
Thank you for the endless amount of football talks we have in the car
Thank you for making me drunk for the first time
Thank you for running all around singapore to find fucking delicious food
Thank you for nights we had nothing to do so we watch taiwanese politicians fight on tv
Thank you for allowing me to get a tattoo
Thank you for teaching me how to repair a bloody air con
Thank you for helping me with math and physics when I was shite at it
Thank you for elbowing me in every basketball match we ever played
Thank you for schooling me in music
Thank you for the bond you build between me and my friends
Thank you for having everybody’s back
Thank you for teaching me the meaning of brotherhood
Thank you for teaching me love is all that we need
Thank you for never giving up
Thank you
I love you and I damn sure motherfuckin miss you
N